• CHEESE: Maria likes me, pero CHEESE ugly’!

• JUAREZ: My wife slapped me, I said: Vieja, JUAREZ your damn problema??

• CASHEW: I was running after u but I couldn’t CASHEW.

• PUTA: PUTA phone down and get to work.

• JULY: Ju told me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me!! JULYER!!!!

• HERPES: I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece and this is HERPES.

• CHAIR: I wuz about to eat a bag of candy, then my mom said, Carlitos, u better CHAIR!

• MUSHROOM: Orale Vato, when all my family getz in da car, therez not MUSHROOM.

• CHICKEN: My wife wanted me to go the store, pero CHICKEN go herself.

• WHITES: Send out invitations.
• MEXICANS: Send out maps.
• WHITES: Receive their invitations 3 months in advance.
• MEXICANS: Find out about the wedding 3 hours before the wedding.
• WHITES: Have seven BridesMaids..
• MEXICANS: Have forty seven Padrinos.
• WHITES: RSVP their invitation.
• MEXICANS: Show up with three car loads, and are waiting for the rest of their family that got stuck on traffic.
• WHITES: Go to the wedding AND the reception.
• MEXICANS: Just go to the reception and the Baile after.
• WHITES: Have elegant food.
• MEXICANS: Have arroz, frijoles, brisket, mole and barbacua.
• WHITES: Order the cake from a bakery.
• MEXICANS: Have their cake done by la señora down the street.
• WHITES: Eat the food and cake.
• MEXICANS: Eat the food and cake…….. AND take some home para la familia that couldn’t make it.
• WHITES: At the reception, they drink wine
• MEXICANS: At the reception, they drink Tequila, , Budweiser , Bud Light Bud Ice, Corona , Tecate, Pacifico, Casadores, Patron, Presidente, Jose Cuervo Gusano’s, Reposado, and whatever else could fit in the cooler.
• WHITES: Relatives get drunk and pass out.
• MEXICANS: Get drunk, shed a few tears and start singing to Vicente Fernandez songs, tell you they love you sooooo much, fight…………..then passes out. ..
• WHITES: Dance at the party………………..
• MEXICANS: Dance at the party to Norteñas, Huapangos , Rancheras, Reggaeton, Cumbias etc……………
• WHITES: Party ends at midnight.
• MEXICANS: Party ends when the COPS show up.
• WHITES: Wake up the next morning NOT WANTING another beer.
• MEXICANS: Wake up the next morning still holding a beer.

• You have ever been hit by a chancla.
• You grew up scared by something called “El Cucuy.”
• Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
• You light a candle on the night of the Lotto drawing.
• You use your lips to point something out.
• You constantly refer to cereal as “con fleis”.
• Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if it’s a one bedroom apartment.
• You can dance ranchera, cumbia or salsa without music.
• You use “manteca” (lard) instead of olive oil and can’t figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
• You call your sneakers “tenees”.
• You have at least thirty cousins.
• You can’t imagine anyone not liking spicy food.
• You are in a 5-passenger car with 7 people in it and a person shouting “subanse, todavia caben”.
• Whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some “Vics” vapor rub all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
• Your mom packs your “lonchera” everyday.
• You or someone you know uses “Tres Flores” in their hair.
• Tamales, champurrado, pozole and menudo are must haves on Thanksgiving.
• There is more Budweiser than punch at little Juanito’s birthday party.
• There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus.
• Everyone still thinks Cesar Chavez is the best boxer even if he lost against Oscar De La Hoya.
• You’ve gone to the Pulgamarket every weekend for years.
• You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV.
• You have a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha, or elephant in your living room.
• You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.
• You swear “Choco Mil” is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.
• You have a drunk uncle/aunt.
• You’re still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.
• You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he’s your tio.
• Your mother, tia or hermana’s hair is blackcherry, “Sun in” red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.
• You always try to find out what town another fellow Latino’s family is from.
• You have ever had to “beepiar” a friend on their pager.
• You wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundrymat and go grocery shopping.
• You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they’ll catch a cold.
• You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
• You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.
• Your cousins are delinquents / hootchies.
• You have a chola in your barrio named “La Flaca” who’s bigger than a house.
• You think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.
• You have a cousin named “Guero” who’s darker than night.
• You know a chola named “La Shy Girl” who is loud and obnoxious.
• You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
• You go to a white friends house for dinner and don’t understand the concept of sitting at a table.
• You’ve tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.
• You have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.
• You drive a “Cheby”, an “Ohsmobeel” or a “Bolswahgon”
• You say “hokeis” instead of hot cakes.
• You know how to do a Grito.
• You know how to cure “Ojo”.
• All your sibilings have different last names.
• You drink Agua de Horchata, Pina, Tamarindo, y Jamaica.

Bonus:

“You make a Peanut Butter and Jelly burrito in an emergency.”

Eduardo Quezada
“You’ve eaten a refried bean sandwich.”

LaloAlcaraz