JUAREZ: My wife slapped me, I said: Vieja, JUAREZ your damn problema??
CASHEW: I was running after u but I couldn’t CASHEW.
PUTA: PUTA phone down and get to work.
JULY: Ju told me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me!! JULYER!!!!
HERPES: I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece and this is HERPES.
CHAIR: I wuz about to eat a bag of candy, then my mom said, Carlitos, u better CHAIR!
MUSHROOM: Orale Vato, when all my family getz in da car, therez not MUSHROOM.
CHICKEN: My wife wanted me to go the store, pero CHICKEN go herself.
Quezada
Mexican vs White Wedding
WHITES: Send out invitations.
MEXICANS: Send out maps.
WHITES: Receive their invitations 3 months in advance.
MEXICANS: Find out about the wedding 3 hours before the wedding.
WHITES: Have seven BridesMaids..
MEXICANS: Have forty seven Padrinos.
WHITES: RSVP their invitation.
MEXICANS: Show up with three car loads, and are waiting for the rest of their family that got stuck on traffic.
WHITES: Go to the wedding AND the reception.
MEXICANS: Just go to the reception and the Baile after.
WHITES: Have elegant food.
MEXICANS: Have arroz, frijoles, brisket, mole and barbacua.
WHITES: Order the cake from a bakery.
MEXICANS: Have their cake done by la señora down the street.
WHITES: Eat the food and cake.
MEXICANS: Eat the food and cake…….. AND take some home para la familia that couldn’t make it.
WHITES: At the reception, they drink wine
MEXICANS: At the reception, they drink Tequila, , Budweiser , Bud Light Bud Ice, Corona , Tecate, Pacifico, Casadores, Patron, Presidente, Jose Cuervo Gusano’s, Reposado, and whatever else could fit in the cooler.
WHITES: Relatives get drunk and pass out.
MEXICANS: Get drunk, shed a few tears and start singing to Vicente Fernandez songs, tell you they love you sooooo much, fight…………..then passes out. ..
WHITES: Dance at the party………………..
MEXICANS: Dance at the party to Norteñas, Huapangos , Rancheras, Reggaeton, Cumbias etc……………
WHITES: Party ends at midnight.
MEXICANS: Party ends when the COPS show up.
WHITES: Wake up the next morning NOT WANTING another beer.
MEXICANS: Wake up the next morning still holding a beer.
Quezada
You Are Mexican if:
You have ever been hit by a chancla.
You grew up scared by something called “El Cucuy.”
Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
You light a candle on the night of the Lotto drawing.
You use your lips to point something out.
You constantly refer to cereal as “con fleis”.
Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if it’s a one bedroom apartment.
You can dance ranchera, cumbia or salsa without music.
You use “manteca” (lard) instead of olive oil and can’t figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
You call your sneakers “tenees”.
You have at least thirty cousins.
You can’t imagine anyone not liking spicy food.
You are in a 5-passenger car with 7 people in it and a person shouting “subanse, todavia caben”.
Whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some “Vics” vapor rub all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
Your mom packs your “lonchera” everyday.
You or someone you know uses “Tres Flores” in their hair.
Tamales, champurrado, pozole and menudo are must haves on Thanksgiving.
There is more Budweiser than punch at little Juanito’s birthday party.
There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus.
Everyone still thinks Cesar Chavez is the best boxer even if he lost against Oscar De La Hoya.
You’ve gone to the Pulgamarket every weekend for years.
You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV.
You have a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha, or elephant in your living room.
You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.
You swear “Choco Mil” is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.
You have a drunk uncle/aunt.
You’re still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.
You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he’s your tio.
Your mother, tia or hermana’s hair is blackcherry, “Sun in” red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.
You always try to find out what town another fellow Latino’s family is from.
You have ever had to “beepiar” a friend on their pager.
You wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundrymat and go grocery shopping.
You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they’ll catch a cold.
You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.
Your cousins are delinquents / hootchies.
You have a chola in your barrio named “La Flaca” who’s bigger than a house.
You think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.
You have a cousin named “Guero” who’s darker than night.
You know a chola named “La Shy Girl” who is loud and obnoxious.
You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
You go to a white friends house for dinner and don’t understand the concept of sitting at a table.
You’ve tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.
You have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.
You drive a “Cheby”, an “Ohsmobeel” or a “Bolswahgon”
You say “hokeis” instead of hot cakes.
You know how to do a Grito.
You know how to cure “Ojo”.
All your sibilings have different last names.
You drink Agua de Horchata, Pina, Tamarindo, y Jamaica.
Bonus:
“You make a Peanut Butter and Jelly burrito in an emergency.”
Eduardo Quezada
“You’ve eaten a refried bean sandwich.”
